According to Wikipedia, which is good enough for everybody, a sport is defined as “an organized, competitive, and skillful physical activity requiring commitment and fair play.” Therefore, because John Goodman can compete and win the Indianapolis 500, NASCAR can’t officially be called a sport by anyone. I’m right, you’re wrong and John Goodman is a very fat man.
Yes, we can call stock-car racing a competition because the drivers do, in fact, compete; however, you couldn’t call it a “physical competition” because putting “physical” in front of “competition” could be easily mistaken as participating in a sport. And please, before you even bother thinking of it,don’t give me that “Oh, well they sweat quite a bit in those stock cars” nonsense…being too hot doesn’t count. If it did, than fat people would be on the cover of Sports Illustrated every month, except, of course, for the swim suit issue.
Anyways, in order to turn my disgruntled rant into a more concise argument— sure to topple the logic of any of today’s brightest 5th graders— I’ve compiled a short list that proves, once and for all, why a series of left turns can’t be defined as a sport:
1. There’s nothing athletic about it…
Look at just about any NASCAR driver and you’ll see the opposite of an athlete. And if these men can’t see their penises, why on Earth are they receiving coverage on ESPN? I’d bet the last workout Tony Stewart had was lunch. No,the only thing these guys should be called are drivers. And if we are forced to call them athletes, we might as well break ground on the National Trucking Hall of Fame….actually, that’s not a bad idea. In fact, I’d pay good money (not mine but other’s) to see that.
2. THERE’S ONLY LEFT TURNS!!!
I confess, I took that from George Carlin, but the man’s got a point, doesn’t he? A big argument you always hear from the pro-Nascar people is that a lot of cunning, on-the-spot thinking goes into the….sport, that a great deal of focus, hand-eye coordination and reflexes are involved. But as I see it, all one has to do to be a NASCAR driver is three things: hit the gas, hit the brakes and turn left when applicable. Maybe if NASCAR implemented right turns, stop signs,intersections and crosswalks—now THAT would be a sport! And, if driving really was that dangerous, we’d all still be on horseback as cars would have been outlawed from the very beginning. Cars are basic machines. We know this because old people can use them: either to get to their nearest shopping mall and curse youth or as deadly weapons.
3. And then there’s this….
I think that if you, the reader, have the ability to read, then I’m going to also assume that you have the ability to understand why I think this charming snapshot needs no explanation. When I see a picture like this, I think about a multitude of things, all of which make me scream and cry—in that exact order. For whom and for what particular reasons do I weep? I’m not sure, but I wish it’d take the pain away.
So there’s my list, and if you’re not convinced then, well, at least I am. I know that I’ve picked on NASCAR a bit much because their are others that fall into the same category, one which we all know GOD DAMN well shouldn’t be sports. That’s right, you heard me, Motocross and Drag Boat Racing, if that’s your real name (which saddens me to be the case)! But maybe my quarrel with these sports that aren’t sports is just a small, bit-sized portion of a very obese problem in our society. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m going to McDonald’s for a Big Mac so that, one fine day, I can be like Mike.
I think I’ve made my point clear.