Dear Baby Boomers, Everything is Your Fault

I’ll try and cushion the blow as much as possible.  Okay, here goes: I think that you are the worst generation in human history, and all of our problems—from the recession, to the energy crisis, to Conan O’Brien leaving NBC—has your greedy, self-absorbed name written all over it.  Think I’m wrong?  Let me explain.

The best way to judge a generation is by looking back at how society looked when it first took the reigns, which, in your case was about 1970, and then comparing it to how life is when that generation is beginning to retire, which should be now for you.  Back when you all got real jobs (and I’m not talking about when you worked at a golf course for gas money, I mean a real job), life was pretty good.  Employment was everywhere, even if you didn’t have a high school diploma, and America was still ahead of every other nation in every possible way.  Now let’s flash-forward to right now, in the United States of China, where a master’s degree means you better look into getting a PhD.  You ran this country alright, straight into the ground, and you never found any more oil in the process.

Still don’t believe me?  Fine.  Then answer me this, what’s your legacy?  When all is said and done, what will you be remembered by?  And please, before you make me angry, refrain from saying anything about the Hippie Movement or Woodstock.  I don’t see how dropping acid is anything to be proud of.  And let me get this straight: you decided to revolve your whole life around peace, love and harmony, and then you voted for Ronald Reagan?  And you called John Kerry a flip-flopper…shame on you.

This had nothing to do with you

And just for the sake of the argument, lets compare you with another generation, just to prove I’m right.  And what better generation to look at than that of your parents’, the Greatest Generation?  They were, in mine and Tom Brokaw’s opinion, the best that ever was (of course, they were responsible for you).

Your parents grew up during the Great Depression, which meant they ate dirt for breakfast, lunch and dinner and had holes in their best underwear.  And what did they do? Nothing really. Well, they did beat the Nazis and usher in the Golden Age of America. You have to give them that.  Oh yea, and they also went ahead and pulled off the greatest feat in human history.  No big deal.  By the way, great job topping that one…Sorry, I apologize.  It’s not like YOU had over 40 years to come up with something better.

better get used to one of these

get used to one of these

The Greatest Generation earned their social security checks, but have you?  I guess that’s not important anyways.  I mean, no matter how much I bitch about what you did, or really didn’t do, you’ll still have an AARP card eventually—if you haven’t already started to destroy social security for everyone else.  And once you all retire, and finally hand over the jobs my generation so desperately need, Merriam-Webster will have to start the slow, very painful process of whiting-out the definition of “retirement” in all its dictionaries.  It’s not like anyone after you is ever going to know the meaning of it anyways.

But I digress.  After all, it’s not like you haven’t done anything for us.  I mean, you are our parents, which means you gave my generation life: you raised us, you gave us food and clothing, you put a roof over our heads, and you paid for our education—but what have you done for us lately, besides nothing?  But that’s okay, I forgive you, I really do.  Because, when you really get down to it, we’re young and you’re old—not “getting older” or “not as young as you used to be”, just plain old old.  Shouldn’t you be down in Florida right about now?  I hear they have Matlock.


Your Obnoxious Hipster Children


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