Say Fellas, Let’s Legalize Prostitution

Before you take out your torches, pitchforks and Bibles, grant me a few last words:

All I’m saying is that prostitution should be legalized because, after all,  it’s only sex. I just can’t seem to find the harm that’s supposedly being done; in fact, I see the complete opposite of harm being exchanged through this so-called “sinful” act: you have one happy, paid prostitute and one absolutely OVERJOYED customer.

I do, however, have a big problem with just about everything else that surrounds sex with money (so I’m actually on your side more than you think…but not that much).  I hate the parasitic pimps, the contraction of STD’s, and more than anything else, all the obvious, unnecessary abuse that seems to go hand-in-hand with prostitution.

But let’s face facts. Regardless of prostitution being legal or not, it’s still been around— in every single civilization—since the beginning of human history.  Even the Code of Hammurabi, one of man’s first attempts at organized law, mentions prostitutes.  That being said, because it’s  illogical to believe that prostitution will just vanish anytime in the near future, we might as well try and live with it.  And don’t worry, because I’ve come up with a plan.  You can certainly thank me later.

First, we legalize it. If we do that, we’ll make the whole process much safer for everybody involved.  Take a look at what happened with abortions.  One minute, they were illegal and dangerous to the point of being lethal to the woman getting the operation, and the next, not so much.Why?  Because when something is legalized, standards and practices can be applied to ensure more safety.

Next, we set up well-lit, squeaky-clean, consumer and employer friendly environments for a business of this nature.  For starters, contraceptives will be mandatory in every transaction (that’s a given).  Also, each legal brothel will have security guards (the kind that have trouble getting through the average door) for protection.  Sorry pimps, but I couldn’t find a place for you.   Instead, you might consider pawning off your solid gold teeth and Caddies, going on unemployment, or—dare I say it—getting real jobs.

And just to make sure whoring remains an honest business, we’re going to have to regulate it like even Mother Theresa wouldn’t have imagined.  You know how often restaurants go through inspection?  Mere child’s play compared to the legal prostitution industry.  Inspectors will inspect cleanliness of the workplace (i.e., the beds), test for STD’s, and thoroughly investigate for any possible sign of abuse whenever necessary.

Well, that’s my plan.  Sound good?  Probably not, but at least it’s a lot safer than the system used today.

And for those who are still on the fence about it (or refusing to touch the fence whatsoever), why?  After all, what is it about sex, even if money is involved, that makes it so terrifying?

I know, I know.  It’s morality, isn’t it?  Well, the last time I checked, the government’s primary function is to preserve and uphold democracy and freedom, not to lean in the direction of anyone’s moral compass.  But if we really want the Constitution amended to defend our morals, why don’t we go all the way?  We could bring back prohibition, censure out every published “bad” word, and do anything else that might have made Jerry Fallwell smile.  But if that happens, I’m going to petition to change America’s motto, “The Land of the Free and Home of the Brave”, to “If It Feels Good, Stop”.

But before I go off reciting the Preamble, I better stop while I’m ahead…or not too far behind.  And don’t get me wrong, even if we collectively decided that our nation was mature enough to handle legal prostitution, I still wouldn’t be caught dead (or especially alive) in a brothel, just like most of us.

And like everyone else, I sincerely wish prostitution was never thought up in the first place —where men and women didn’t have to reduce themselves to selling their bodies in order to keep their stomachs full and the electricity bill paid; where none of us knew what it’s like to be that lonely—but that has never been the case, and it never will be.

We have to keep in mind, though, that simply making something illegal doesn’t necessarily solve anything.  When it comes to prostitution, all we’re doing is locking up people that aren’t intent on harming others purely out of fear.   In my opinion, I think all we’ve done is made more prisoners.


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