People I Can Do Without

This one is for George:

  • Hippies who are always barefoot.  I get it, you’re high.
  • Civilians who wear camouflaged anything.  If you wanted me to know that you have a loaded AK-47 at home, or that you love Chuck Norris movies, well done.
  • Health nuts who ask me if I’m regular.  It frightens me that you care that much.  Run another lap.
  • Dixie-whistlers that claim to be patriotic but have Confederate flag bumper stickers.
  • Parents who give their children names like “Breeze” or “Fuchsia”.  You’re ruining their entire existence before you cut the umbilical cord…especially if they’re boys.
  • Justin Bieber.
  • Drunk drivers with Jesus Fish on their bumpers.  I must have missed the passage where Jesus said you should probably blindside that Toyota Corolla after a couple of Long Islands.
  • People who don’t seem to understand the necessity of deodorant or don’t know how to apply it properly.
  • Those who spend more than 20 seconds to determine an appropriate tip.
  • Anyone that says “Yo!” to get my attention.  You’re not Rocky Balboa, or anyone worth my time.
  • Baby boomers that listen to the Black Eyed Peas, Britney Spears, or any other music that wasn’t intended to reach them.
  • People who say “That’s funny!” but don’t bother to laugh.  Either laugh or don’t, it’s that simple…unless you’re a robot.
  • White people who say “word” to express agreement.  You come from the suburbs, and pull up your pants.
  • Anyone who wears Crocs in public.  Where exactly did you just plant azaleas?
  • People who carry around flasks, especially heart surgeons, pilots or babysitters.
  • Men who wax anything, particularly when it’s “thong season”.
  • Bible-thumpers who speak in tongues and aren’t receiving immediate medical attention.
  • Professional athletes who thank God after catching a touchdown pass, crossing home plate, or reaching the finish line first.  If God is more interested in your athletic accomplishments than healing the sick or feeding the poor, I’m going to need to have a little chat with Him.
  • Air guitarists.  I’m sorry, but “Don’t Stop Believin’” isn’t that good.
  • Bosses who tell you “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of coffee.”
  • ABBA and all their fans.
  • Hipsters who buy designer flannel shirts.
  • Women who carry pets inside their purse.  I hope Princess has an accident while you’re busy shopping at Macy’s.
  • Politicians with American flag lapel pins that end every sentence with “God Bless America” as if they have Tourette’s.
  • Anyone that thinks wearing jean shorts and sneaking a six-pack of tallboys into the opera is a good idea.
  • Celebrity worshipers that say “Brangelina” or “Bennifer”.  If you can’t say “Brad and Angelina”, then why must I suffer?
  • Jehovah’s Witnesses who knock on my door and ask if I’ve “found Jesus”.  No, but come in and help me look under the couch.  He might know something about the whereabouts of my car keys, too.
  • People who actually say “JK” or “LOL” in a conversation.  Are you so lazy that you have to use abbreviations even when you’re talking to me?

Well, that’s my least wanted list, as incomplete as it might be.  I realize that I’ve probably mentioned most, or all, of the population, but is that my fault that everyone is not like me: completely infallibull?


4 thoughts on “People I Can Do Without

  1. “Anyone that thinks wearing jean shorts and sneaking a six-pack of tallboys into the opera is a good idea.” – Hahahaha where did that one come from? Experience? Nice list.

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