Baptism for Lulz

According to Slate, the Mormons have put up a firewall on their online baptism database (we’re in the 21st century now) to quell the slew of posthumous baptisms of famous (very) non-LDS figures like Gandhi and Anne Frank (the firewall also conveniently blocks access to whistle-blowers who exposed the zombie-Mormon plot).

Overzealous church members with lots of free time on their hands will have to find a new hobby – may I suggest tebow-planking?

My pundit prediction: The beleaguered Lulzsec will announce their triumphant return – and get revenge on the their persecutors – by baptizing Obama and Eric Holder.

Thus, as we all know, making them unfit for federal office and probably spontaneously implode in metaphysical contradiction.


Or they’ll unbaptize (can you do that?) Romney and make him a real threat to the presidency this November.


CCR or Why Being Terrific and Unique Are Not Necessarily Copacetic

When I hear the opening licks of “Proud Mary”, I can guarantee that I’m not thinking about Saabs, microbrews or guys named Milo or August.

I’m thinking about America, people. It’s all about having a game of catch with Dad, about applauding veterans as they march past me in the 4th of July Parade, about having a steak hot off the grill…I’d go on and on, but I’m sure I’ve made my point.  Yes, my favorite American rock n’ roll group is staunchly American—duh—but I can go one step further.

Creedence also evokes a sense of community, a warm feeling that I’m on everybody’s side. It makes perfect sense, after all, because…well, who doesn’t like (if not love) CCR? I can say that with confidence, but not total confidence. Let me discuss.

Creedence can be called a lot of things. Calling them anything less than legendary is a crime. Having produced three platinum albums in the same year (Bayou Country, Green River and Willy and the Poor Boys) the adjective I’d use to best describe CCR is reliable. But how about unique or even original? Certainly, that’s debatable, but even if they weren’t out of the ordinary, why should that steer anyone away from listening to “Lodi”? Isn’t being great good enough anymore?

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WPA for Today!

As Bill Maher said a little while back, “Our shit is dingy.”

He was referring to the dilapidated state of America’s infrastructure, and who could disagree with him? According to , the U.S. received a D in its last infrastructure assessment. And the more you look, the worse the situation gets.

Yea, we're in great shape.

Digging a little deeper, the Pew Research Center discovered that more than ¼ of our nation’s bridges are in dire need of repair or carrying more traffic than they were designed to support.

And if you live by a dam, you might want to consider buying a sturdy, inflatable raft. Again, according to Pew, “The number of dams that could fail has grown 134% since 1999 to 3,346, and more than 1,300 of those are “high-hazard,” meaning their collapse would threaten lives…More than a third of dam failures or near failures since 1874 have happened in the last decade.

That mentioned, I have a suggestion : why don’t we bring back the Works Progress Administration (WPA)? Don’t know what the WPA was? Fear not, I’ll tell you all about it…okay, I’ll give you links and quote from credible sources, but I played a hand in your education, too!

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May 2, 2011: A Justifiable Act of Violence

I found out about two unforgettable things today. (1) Osama Bin Laden is dead, and (2) Rush Limbaugh actually said something positive about Obama. Yesterday, I would have told you both things had the slimmest of chances of occurring. So much for intuition.

After hearing the news this morning, I’ve been glued to the internet, like most flag-waving Americans, trying to make sense of such an epic day. What does it mean? What should it mean? What will it mean?

(In case you missed it, here’s Obama’s address.)

I’m not sure, and I don’t even know if I’ll ever fully grasp the answers to those questions or fully comprehend how far the ripple of such an event will impact the future. I am certain, however, that I thought about the same thing most Americans did after they saw the bold lettering on today’s front page:  my generation’s Pearl Harbor, our very own Kennedy Assassination.

Pardon the crude and even morbid comparison, but it’s how we must encapsulate it, in blunt brutality and horror. It was as if all of us, the pure concept of America, had been violently raped in spirit. Our sense of peace and security had been shredded by a vicious, quick act, our notion of invulnerability was made very vulnerable, and in just the span of one morning, the world around us became a very terrifying, untrustworthy place. On that day, we didn’t want justice. That’s too soft of a word. We wanted blood by the righteous gallon, and we were frothing at the mouth for it.

We’re magnetically drawn back to that day because yesterday marks the end of what started on 9/11…well, sort of. It’s over in the sense that “justice has been served,” as Obama said, to Osama Bin Laden. Emotionally, we can lean back a little further in our chairs because our 10-year-old thirst for basic revenge has been quenched, but our guard, our defense, can’t take the same luxury. In terms of the great fight, we’ll never be finished. There will always be a second-in-command, and after them, another successor to a successor to a successor.

The other thing all of us are thinking about is who should claim this victory. Whom do we point at? Who’s to become an icon? Some say Obama, others say Bush. Perhaps it’s both, because after all, there’s enough cheer to go around.

But one thing is certain, the people we’ve called our heroes throughout this whole saga—specifically, those who aren’t around to gather any esteem—deserve it the most. This isn’t a day to be red or blue, this is a day to be red, white and blue. Yes, I know, that’s undeniably as corny as it gets, but it couldn’t be any truer.  So wave any flag you’ve got, for Obama, for Bush, for the 9/11 victims, for the heroic firefighters, for everybody, for yourself, for whomever, or maybe just because.

This feeling we have won’t last forever, just like it faded out in the months preceding 9/11, so grasp it in while you can. Not only is it a day to be patriotic, but it is the only day (hopefully) that you’ll feel sheer ecstasy over someone’s cruel end. That’s a strange sentiment—not felt, I imagine, since exactly 66 years ago—but then again it’s a justifiable act of violence and it’s rare.

Someday, we’ll look back on days like today, or days like yesterday…and we’ll just look back.

Me, Superman and the GOP

You know that stereotypical kid with a small blanket tied around his neck? The one where he’s trying to jump higher and higher on his bed? Yup, that was me. I’m a Superman fan.

Saying that publicly—whether it’s to a good friend or, even worse, to the World Wide Web—is awfully difficult. It’s embarrassing for a whole host of reasons, the biggest of which is that it’s just about as geeky as you can get (barring 8 or 10-sided die, of course). I probably shouldn’t write something  like this, and I suppose I could just close my eyes and rest my index finger on the backspace button until I’ve got a blank page again, but I’m not going to.  I feel like I at least owe the Man of Steel that much.

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Enough Already with the Politically Biased Media

It's funny because it's true...which makes me cry.

Americans love a good bias.

I say that because there’s been all this ranting about a liberally biased media.  Naturally, I heard that on Fox News, because when I want to be afraid of the boogeyman again (which is apparently Barack HUSSEIN Obama), that’s where I head.

But after hearing so much about the liberal bias in media, I couldn’t help to investigate the matter for myself.  It sounded like a lot of fun…which is dreadful proof that I need to get out more.

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The Next Worst Thing

The circus has been in town for too long.

I’m talking about reality TV.  It’s been around for quite some time, actually since the beginning of television, but it was in a very primordial state until recently.  The first reality shows were mainly in game show format, like “The Newlywed Game” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, but they took  more of a documentary style—the form we know and somehow love— in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

The first modern reality TV shows that took flight in the ratings were “COPS” in 1989, followed by MTV’s “The Real World” series back in 1992.  Already, in those early stages, you can see the basic groundwork for modern reality TV taking shape: the crazier, the better.  And that’s just what happened.

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